Is Allen Richer Than Me?
by Lead Potato
Summary: AU. One-shot. Laven. Where Fou almost dies in a pool of Jello, Rikei is in a toga, Lou Fa is smelling Allen's towels again, and Lavi is giving a snowman hickeys?


Lavi didn't meet Allen yet due to being on vacation with Bookman. Other than that, this story is a humor attempt? You probably won't laugh, and I won't blame you. Laven~ Yeah, we need more of that.

Allen is 19, therefore making Lavi 21. Oh, and they're in college. All of them.

Don't worry about Fou and Allen's relationship, they do that all the time. Apparently.

I do not own D. Gray-Man. If you were hoping for a witty, "I don't own that shaz" then you're wrong. I also don't own Jello, but how the frick is a god dang _Jello_ company gonna stalk up a frickin' fic that mentions Jello like, three times? If you have enough time to do that, then go be useful to the community and make new flavors. Not that I eat Jello anyway.

Hope ya like!

oOoO+OoOo

Allen cracked his eyes open, only to shut them when a ray of sunlight hit them. He groaned and sat up, then crashed his head back into the couch cushion when it started throbbing painfully.

"Damn that Rikei!" Just the night before, Allen's best friend Rikei showed up with Fou, Lou Fa, and Shifu, beer in hands. Shifu played with Allen's cat, Timcanpy, and Lou Fa went up to Allen's bathroom to, "secretly" sniff his bath towels. Rikei focused on getting Allen drunk, while Fou called everybody on her contact list. Now that he thought about it, she must know a _lot_ of people, giving that the whole school came over. They later got smashed themselves and Fou had the great idea to play Truth or Dare. Big mistake on her part. She had chosen Dare when it was her turn, the dare being fill the pool up with jello and swim in it. Needless to say, she failed, and Allen was sure she was probably dead, in a giant blob of jello. In fact, he wouldn't be surprised if Rikei were still here either, since whenever they did things like this Rikei and Fou would just stay over, and Shifu, being the responsible one in the group of misfits, would drag Lou Fa down from Allen's bathroom and drive her home. He was sure they did something that involved paint too, but his memory was too clouded to remember.

So when Allen decided to get up and find Rikei, he wasn't surprised when Fou wobbled into the living room, with a sunburn, smelling like strawberry jello, and plopped down on the couch in front of Allen.

"Fuck me."

"No thank you." Fou sent a heated glare towards Allen, who was grinning mischievously.

"You know what I meant. And you have orange paint on your nose."

"Then keep your comments to yourself." ' _I'll get that off later._ 'Allen thought to himself.

"Fuck you."

"Fou, did the Jello make you sexually aroused? Because I'm sure Bak could fix that."

"Why you little-" As Fou grabbed Allen's neck to choke him, Lenalee Lee suddenly burst through the front door of Allen's house.

"Hey guys! What's up?"

"I-I'm...getting...ch-choked..here!"

"That's nice! Looky, Allen! I brought someone for you to meet!"

"Help...me.." Fou, just now noticing her arrival, dropped Allen and stared disbelievingly at her.

"Who the hell just bursts into someone's house?"

"Me, duh." Lenalee rolled her eyes at Fou's stupidity. Allen dragged himself up on the couch and layed there, giving up on life.

Then in walked no one other than Lavi Bookman himself. Lavi took a look around the living room. The flat screen built into the wall was dangerously tilted, leaving wires to be seen. There was all kinds on empty beer cans laying around the area, imprints of paint was on the walls, some smeared on the wooded floor, scratch that, _a lot_ smeared on the floor, and when Lavi turned his head to look in the open space that was the kitchen, he spotted a game of twister with dried up paint over it.

They played Paint Twister.

 _Without_ him.

And what wouldn't Lavi give to play some twister with that hunk of a snowman laying on the couch.

Allen noticed Lavi staring at him, and with a mischievous grin, he asked;

"Why is there a six foot tall carrot in my house?"

Lavi's mouth dropped open.

Lenalee giggled.

Fou got up to take a shower.

"Aw, come on, man! In what way do I look like a carrot?" Allen pointed to his hair and bandana.

"Well am I a pretty carrot?" Lavi asked whilst batting his eyelashes and poking out his lips.

Allen squinted, trying to get that image out of his head. "No."

"Well, while you two dweebs hook up, I'm going to mess with Tim!"

' _Hook up? What?_ ' Lavi hopped over to take a seat next to Allen, which was on his lap, since Allen was laying down. Allen jolted at this sudden weight, banging his head against Lavi's.

"Ow! What did ya do that for, beanie?" Lavi held his forehead while Allen was left squirming in his position on the couch, holding his head.

"Get off me! You weigh a ton! And who's beanie?"

"You of course! And I do not way a ton! I'll have you know I work out everyday!"

"What's working out gotta do with this? You'll still way a ton just because you're male!" As he said this, he peeked out of his fingers to look up at Lavi. He was looking down at Allen, his emerald green eye shining with curiousity and amusement. His green reptile print bandana was holding up what looked to be a nightmare to brush, and as Allen swept over his face, he found a black eyepatch tied around his right eye. Tan, flawless skin, was what he saw when he looked at Lavi's chest, as the carrot-tops' dark green tank top hung low on his chest. He absentmindedly wondered if Lavi was tan everywhere.

"If I told you I worked for FedEX, would you let me handle your package?" Lavi asked with a grin.

 _What._

Baffled, Allen turned beet red when the red head started laughing.

"I'm sorry, wh-what?" Allen choked out.

"Are you a campfire? Because you're hot and I want s'more."

Allen sat there with his mouth hanging open, face still red. _Is he hitting on me? We just met! I know I'm hot but, you could give a warning! I don't even know your name!_

"Is your name google? 'Cause you've got everything I'm searching for." At this one, Allen raised an eyebrow. "You've been searching for a man with white hair, silver-blue eyes, and a red scar? You must be mental."

"Only for you." Lavi wasn't actually searching for someone as rare as Allen. Heck, he didn't think he would be all that lucky. But he'll be damned if he let this one get away.

"Can you get off me now?" Allen breathed out once he regained control of himself.

"Do you have a sunburn or are you always this hot?" Allen rolled his eyes.

"No, but Fou does. Maybe you should consult her."

 _Stop casting my attempts to the side, damn it!_ The red head thought with an exasperated sigh. He brightened up, an idea forming in his head.

"You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?" Lavi whispered huskily as he leaned down.

Allen looked up and opened his mouth to form a wittly reply, when he noticed carrot-top gradually leaning towards him. _What is he-_

All thoughts were eliminated as soon as Lavi's lips touched his neck. The red head then began to suckle on the soft flesh, completely ignoring the snowman's protests.

Allen gave up on protesting, seeing as the carrot-top was moving to make another mark. That didn't mean he still wasn't embarassed, though. So he went with plan B. He would apologize later.

Lavi stopped when he noticed Allen had stopped responding. He looked up from his pale neck and stared at Allen curiously, until he suddenly went flying.

"WOAH!" Allen kicked him in the stomach, sending him flying to the open deck, where the jello pool was. Rikei crawled out from under the couch, wearing a toga.

"Ah blackmail, the richest form of revenge."

"EEEEEEEEK!" Allen had long gotten rid of that hangover, judging by his ability to move and scream like that. "You were under there the whole time?!"

"Yep! Recorded it too!" Rikei pulled out a sleek iPhone 6 with a glittery green dinosaur sticker on the back and waved it in front of Allen's face.

"My life is over." Allen said as he slumped back on the couch.

"Come on Allen. If you get embarassed over little things like this then you'll never make it in life!" Rikei said happily as he twirled around the living room and pulled out a selfie stick.

"Psh. We all know Allen would never make it in life." Rikei looked up from vlogging about last night's party to see Fou come down the master staircase, with a black tank top with pikachu on it that said "Workin' My Cute Into Brute", some black and yellow shorts, and pikachu slippers.

"Hey," Lavi shouted from the deck. "Is this a pool made out of jello? That's awesome!" He walked back inside, his clothes dirty by him skidding across the pavement.

"Naw duh, carrot-top." Fou said whilst rolling her eyes as she went to the kitchen to pour herself some water. Lavi saw his chance to talk to Allen again, but as he skipped over to the couch, something bounced off his head. The weight of the object sent him to the couch, landing on Allen.

"Can't keep your hands off me, can you?" Allen tried to lift Lavi off him, but to no avail. Seems the red head won't give up so easily.

"Can't blame me, you're the most beautiful creature I've ever seen!" Lavi said this with sparkles in his eyes. Allen rolled his eyes at the carrot-tops' use of adjectives. ' _Creature? Really?_ '

"Timcanpy! Don't run away from me! I just wanted to brush you! You're filthy!" Timcanpy got up from the floor where he landed after hitting Lavi's head. The golden tabby hissed at Lenalee, then shot past the staircase and into the second living area.

"Come back here! You smell like beer! Cats shouldn't smell like beer!" As Lenalee jumped over the last stair, she slipped on a beer can and fell on her face. "Owie..."

Fou snorted. "I bet she's the reason why girls in scary movies can't run for shit."

Allen and Lavi hummed in agreement.

Rikei was still vlogging.

"You could have at least helped me up." Lenalee huffed as she pushed herself up, and tried to chase after the runaway cat.

Only to trip and fall as she slipped on another can.

"I told you." Fou rolled her eyes. Really, it seemed everything started with that girl, and it was adding to her headache.

Lenalee just laid there, giving up on life just as Allen did, or tried to earlier.

Lavi finally got off of Allen and stood up.

"So, what shall we do now, beansprout?"

"My name's not beansprout! I'm almost as tall as you!" To prove his point, he got up to stand face-to-face with Lavi for the first time. "See?"

"Keyword being 'almost', beanie." Allen's eye twitched and he finally told the older his name. "My name is Allen, prick! Remember it!" Lavi wore a grateful smile when the snowman finally told him his name.

The red head held out his hand for the other to shake. "Lavi Bookman, at your service! I'll be the bestest mate you've ever had!"

Allen took his hand and shook it, looking into the bookman's eye when he did. "Allen Walker. 'Bestest' is not a word. Somehow I don't doubt your statement."

And he really didn't.

Fou heaved herself off the couch as she watched the two stare into the other's eyes, which they've been doing for the past five minutes.

"Let's go Rikei, people don't want to watch a thirty minute vlog on some party they weren't invited to."

"-and that is how you draw a guinea pig with frosting! See ya guys in the next video!" He turned off his phone and placed the selfie stick on the kitchen counter. Fou came up and took his arm, leading him to the front door. Rikei called out to Allen.

"See you later, Al. We'll bring you some Taco Bell later, 'cuz lord knows you can't cook for shit!"

"Yeah.." Came his distracted response.

Rikei shook his head fondly as they opened the door. "Think they'll be an awesome couple? Make some cute babies?" Fou jabbed him in the ribs as they walked down the many steps Allen had leading up to his house. ' _Dude must be really rich,_ ' She thought as she reached the last stair. ' _Surprised I never noticed that before._ ' She shook her head to rid herself of those thoughts she could ask later. "That's not possible. Though I wish it was, just this once. They would make a unique family." Both smiled fondly at their friend's soon-to-be relationship, as Rikei climbed into the driver's seat of his red 2009 Aston Martin DBS. Fou glanced back at the house, only to see what looked like Timcanpy rolling on the grass, getting dangerously close to a dog. ' _It's a golden retreiver,_ ' She thought. ' _Those things are nice as hell._ ' She jumped as she heard a car horn beeping.

"We don't have all day, ya know. I have to edit my video and I'm starving! Ooh, let's go to McDonalds!" Fou rolled her eyes, for what, the third, maybe fourth time that day? Yeah, she needs some stress relief. She hopped in the passenger's seat and they were on their way. Rikei 'oohed' as he remembered something.

"Hey, remind me to kidnap Kanda's cat."

Fou blinked. "What?"

"I'll take her over to Allen's house and put her and Timcanpy in the same room, so they can have babies!"

"...that actually sounds like fun! Mugen is the most beautiful cat I've ever seen! And I've seen a lot, since Allen and I work in a pet shop and all." ' _Wait, does he get more pay than me?_ '

A look back at the four-story house rapidly fading in the distance, -which she debated to be called that, the place is _huge_ \- answered her question.

' _Well,_ 'Fou thought as the put on some sunglasses. ' _Some motherfucker's gonna pay._ '

oOoO+OoOo

I don't own all the official crap I put in here.

Yes, Lenalee's still on the floor. Pretty nice for a story that I wrote while having no idea what I was doing. Really, we need AU fics that keep up with the times. Like all the characters doing the Whip, or Nae Nae, and playing Just Dance. Seems I'm the only author in DGM doing it. Please look up that car I mentioned. It's a really nice car!

Oh, and yes, Fou walked out into public with slippers and Rikei, a toga.

LP OUT! (LP stands for 'Lead Potato', in case you haven't figured that out yet)


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